Morning.....

SO I get to thinking this morning right? Which is completely abnormal for me.... I don't usually think I just do and than think about it later... usually causes more mayhem than I wish for. HA! I got in touch with a friend.... that in every aspect could've been my long lost sister from yadayada land.... *smirks* I met her 3 (?) Years ago in a mommy group I created. We've done it all together... groups, online Im'ing till wee hours.... and LAUGH!! All I remember is laughing every 5 seconds talking to her. She also changed my life.... there was a point in time where I thought all was hopeless, lost, I'd never find the right direction ever again. But I did with her love, support and advice. And I'm so thankful --- YOU Know I am...  I did some bad things --- most awful was lying... I lied to her. I broke that circle of trust that was strong.. .and completely dimolished it.. and than took off. Not too long ago my life was in shambles.... I had left my fiance, was broke, lived with my Uncle, had nada to my name and was scared. I was lost in the void... what I thought, never to be found again. I lost faith in my self, my family, my love, my friends, EVERYthing. I woke up one morning at 3am... this is true I tell you. Laying in the lil camper I had setup out back for privacy... it had been 4 months since I spoke to my friends, 4 months since I seen Adam.... 4 months since I smilied. I had lost weight... nearly 20 pounds, I was sick, tired, confused and depressed. Anyways- I woke up.... and you know the first thought that hit me...... the VERY BERRY first thing? God. I wasn't even awake... and that was the ONLY and first thing. I looked over at Cameron and thought.... God blessed me when he gave me Cam... he changed my life, put me in the right direction, and gave me something more precious than money, materials, ect. God blessed me when I met Adam... without Adam's love, support, and sometimes delirious behavior I wouldn't be who I am today or where I am at. God Blessed me when he choose the parents I have because they're the best. They love me, accept me, guide me, beat me- I mean.... LOL..joking.... and most of all God blessed me in a point in my life where I had NO friends, no outside communication when I met Randa. (her name is revealed HA! *opps*) I live in a city of violence, hate, and mean people. I dont want friends like that... no interest. Randa lives far away... but we still talked everyday.... emailed.... stayed in touch.... she taught about many things, we laughed, we cried, we nagged, we bit$hed... we had fun. I had never in my entire life had such a relationship with someone other than my family and adam.. and I had never loved someone so much. Yup- I love her. So back to the waking up.... I decided that day.. that if I don't take heed and lead my own life and STOP living for others.... than I'm going to get no where, I'll never be happy, ect. And i did.. I pushed fear aside and grabbed the reigns. I made a promise to myself, my family and friends, never to betray again.... and I haven't. I'm not saying I changed in ONE day.... or ONE month... but I've changed. I've taken a whole new direction with myself and my life. And it's been good. I still cry sometimes.. .to think about all that I ahve done... YA! I cried... because when you have such a close relationship with someone and you lie.... you loose that person and you're left with nada. It hurts...but it's your own dang fault! I still don't know the point of this entry....

Maybe to say that YOU (YEAH YOU) shouldn't be asking for my forgiveness.....I should be asking for your's. I just want you to know that your friendship means the world to me and I wouldn't sacrifice that for anything. That I know it will take time to earn that trust back.. to pick up where we left off.. but I think it's worth it. And I want you to know that you're an awesome perons with a level head, strong morals, and values. I respect that... and I like that. You're sassy sometimes... but ya know. LOL. Sorry. Anyways........ IM SORRY. And I hope that from this day forward that our friendship bloosoms.... and is blessed with the same love it had before.

*wipes a tear* Now I feel like a nard.....HA!

Manda